New parents are understandably smitten with their offspring and overwhelmed by the responsibilities of caring for a dependent, helpless, miraculous being. Life has been changed forever, mainly in a wonderful way.  A baby fills a parent’s time and thoughts so completely, there is little else to talk about, and adds—as one of my friends put it after the birth of her first baby—a whole new dimension of love to your life. You want to share the experience with your friends. Most of these friends can relate because they are themselves parents.

One of my best friends met someone on a blind date, courted for a year or so, married, bought and remodeled a house, got pregnant (twice) and gave birth (twice), all while I plodded, month after month, through more than 60 months of infertility treatments. When you’re in the throes of infertility, you live in fear of yet another friend’s pregnancy. Not only will you feel your own lack more sharply, you realize a valued relationship—based, as friendships are, on common ground—will inevitably be strained. You are now in different worlds. You want to share this extraordinary time in your friend’s life, but you can’t bear to talk about the heartbeat, the baby kicking, the birth and those first messy attempts with applesauce.